


Trap the Truth

by LadyStork



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Other, Relapsing, Self-Esteem Issues, Yoo Kihyun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 06:41:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17844362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyStork/pseuds/LadyStork
Summary: The Idol life is hard. So when Kihyun falls back into old habits, it's hard for him to accept help.





	Trap the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been staring at this for weeks and I'm finally okay with it enough to post it. It's not the best but hey I tried lol.
> 
> pls be gentle I'm new at this

The last time Kihyun let them in, he had been forced through months of therapy and doctors visits. He'd recovered from his eating disorder and all, but recovering was long and hard. He never wanted to be put through that pain again. Fortunately, he had cleared his name enough that his food intake wasn't constantly tracked.

Occasionally, he would have a few bad days or weeks. He'd actually been having a rough time for almost the whole world tour and his mind still wasn't giving him a break. Luckily for Kihyun, it was rare for someone to notice. He was thankful for that. Kihyun didn't want everyone worrying about this minor problem of his.

They were currently gathering their bags from the overhead bins in the plane. They had finally returned to Korea after being on their world tour for so long. It was a good time, but damn was it exhausting. Thankfully they had a little over a week to themselves.

Kihyun was struggling a bit to keep his feet under him after he had stood up from his seat. Why did his body have to betray him at the worst of times? He had eaten an apple before they took off. In all honesty, he only ate about half, but it was more than enough in his eyes.

He stumbled as he lowered his bag from the bins, vision going dark for a split second. Well, that wasn't good, he thought, gripping the seat next to him with sweaty palms. He stood there for a few seconds, trying to catch his breath and clear his head. Maybe finishing the apple would've been best. He could feel his energy slowly dripping out of him the longer he was standing.

"Kihyun, you okay?" Wonho asked from behind him, a hint of concern in his tone. He had noticed Kihyun's hunched, shaking shoulders and the way he stumbled when lowering his bag.

Kihyun composed himself at the question, surprised by the concerned voice. He turned to face Wonho, trying his best to keep the exhaustion out of his face.

"Yeah, yup, I'm great. Why?" Was he really that obvious? Damn, he really needed to step up his act. Hopefully, Wonho didn't question him further.

"You're shaking." He deadpanned, gazing at Kihyun with hawk-like eyes.

Kihyun's eyes widened a fraction, heart skipping a beat at the observation, "I'm just cold." He said with a tight smile that came out more like a grimace.

"When's the last time you ate?" Wonho asked, eyeing Kihyun's heavily clothed frame. He knew something must be up if he resorted to lying so quickly.

Oh god, what was Kihyun supposed to say to that? His mind had a habit of blanking when situations like these occurred. Kihyun could tell from experience that this conversation was going to go downhill from here. Wonho was catching on. He needed to get out of this.

Kihyun opened his mouth to try and formulate a reply. He wracked his brain for an answer, but nothing was coming to him. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, having no idea what to do. Just as the silence got a bit too long for comfort, the captain's voice boomed over the speakers.

"You may now exit the plane!"

Bless the heavens. Kihyun took this opportunity to turn away from Wonho and trail after Hyunwoo down the aisle, dropping the conversation entirely. Kihyun knew Wonho was just concerned, but he couldn't afford to have everyone on his ass about his food intake again. He was so done with anything and everything as he left Wonho standing behind, unable to see the hurt etched across his face.

As they approached the aircraft steps, Kihyun was breathing hard from the exertion that the simple task of walking took. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying his best to keep his mind clear. Almost instantly, his feet caught on each other. His eyes snapped open and he was faced with the sight of steep stairs in front of him as he fell. 

His arms flailed out instinctively and he miraculously managed to find Hyunwoo's form beside him. He grabbed Hyunwoo's arm on instinct and squeezed his eyes tightly closed, preparing for the fall. He felt Hyunwoo wrap a firm arm around his midsection and the impact never came.

Kihyun opened his eyes as Hyunwoo pulled him back to his feet. Kihyun shakily steadied himself as Hyunwoo stared at him with scared concern on his face, holding Kihyun's shoulders just in case.

Kihyun let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and grabbed the railing beside him for support. He bent over trying to catch his breath as the adrenaline wore off.

Hyunwoo was still holding him cautiously, scared he would fall again.

"I'm okay, Hyung," Kihyun offered to a concerned looking Hyunwoo, "Thanks for catching me, it would've been really embarrassing if I fell." Kihyun laughed, trying to lighten his Hyung's mood. Kihyun could tell it wasn't working as the leader's brow was still furrowed in concern.

Kihyun looked away from Hyunwoo to avoid the concerned look. He'd been getting a lot of those lately.

He opted to take in his surroundings, noting that they were beginning to hold up the line. He decided to turn away from Hyunwoo and cautiously make his way down the stairs, trying his best to hide his shakiness. He could feel Hyunwoo behind him as he neared the bottom. Speeding up his pace, he finally stepped foot on the ground.

Kihyun spotted Changkyun and Hyungwon just ahead of him and he picked up his pace to quickly catch up. He really needed to get away from the uncomfortable stare that he felt on the back of his head.

Kihyun was just ten paces behind them when he felt someone come up beside him and slip an arm around his waist. He instinctively flinched away before realizing that it was Jooheon.

"Hey! What are you doing?" He asked, feeling uncomfortable with someone surprising and touching him so suddenly. He'd always felt uncomfortable with people touching him, but in this current situation, it was ten times worse.

"Nothing, just keeping you company," Jooheon replied with a sly grin, "I need to make sure you know where you're going. We don't want a shorty like you getting lost in the crowd." He added, teasing Kihyun about his height.

Jooheon didn't mention to Kihyun that he saw everything that happened at the top of the stairs. In all honesty, Jooheon was scared for Kihyun. After what he saw, it was blatantly obvious to him what was going on. He'd seen it plenty times before. The shakiness, the distant and glazed over eyes, the exhaustion that Kihyun tried and failed to hide. Oh yeah, Jooheon had seen it plenty

"C'mon, let's go." Jooheon urged, tightening his arm around Kihyun.

Kihyun sighed and forced his legs to continue on walking. Maybe he should be thankful Jooheon was there. He was providing good support for how weak he felt. On the other hand, he was probably able to feel Kihyun shaking. If he did notice anything, he didn't mention it and continued on with Kihyun.

They caught up to the rest of the group and staff as they neared the main building. 

As they approached the entrance, Jooheon's hand left his waist to hold his arm instead, trying to offer some comfort as he felt Kihyun shake harder. 

They finally stepped into the building and screaming instantly erupted from all around. In a matter of seconds, they were engulfed in a swarm of screaming girls and flashing cameras. 

Kihyun's heart rate picked up as their screams shook his eardrums almost painfully. How were they so loud? There must be hundreds of them.

They struggled to push through the thick crowd. They all could tell that this wasn't going to turn out well. All they had to do was get to their vans and the staff would do the rest.

Kihyun cringed away as a random girl grabbed his hand with an iron grip. He quickly yanked his hand away as hard as he could, already knowing he would bruise. Usually there was security to keep things in control. Hold on, where the hell was security?

Kihyun's breath hitched and he glanced around, holding his hurting hand close to his chest. The only thing between them and the crowd around them was their staff, no security in sight.

Kihyun's heart was racing as the constant push to move forward began to pay its toll on his body as his breathing became labored and shallow. His ears were ringing, the screaming around him and the ringing in his ears mixing together.

He squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to clear his head but was unable to open them back up as he felt the energy drain out of him. He vaguely recognized a familiar voice but he was unable to make out what it was saying as his body went numb.

His senses dulled as he was sucked into a dark abyss, unaware of anything and everything that was going on around him.

__________

When Kihyun found himself drifting into awareness, he was freezing cold. A thin blanket was draped over his form, and the room he's in was so damn bright it hurts his eyes. He shuts them tightly, and wills himself to disappear. He has no idea where he is, the only sounds he can hear are the beating of his heart and an irritating beeping

"Kihyun?" A soft voice snaps him out of it, and he raises his head to look at who the voice was coming from. As Kihyun's eyes adjusted, he took in the sight that was Wonho.

He looked as though he hadn't slept in a week. His hair was a mess and he had dark smudges under his eyes. He looked so sad.

"Kihyun, how are you feeling?" He asked anxiously, eyes wide and expectant. 

Kihyun opened his mouth to reply, but the only thing that came out was a harsh cough.

Wonho instantly reached for the glass of water that was set at Kihyun's bedside, allowing Kihyun's coughing fit to subside before holding it up to his lips. Kihyun took hold of the glass with shaky hands and, after three slow sips, he passed it back to Wonho.

Kihyun wet his lips, "What happened?" He asked, voice cracking.

"You passed out at the airport, Kihyun," Wonho answered softly, looking at Kihyun with sad eyes. The moment Kihyun had lost consciousness, it was utter chaos around them. Fans were screeching as loud as ever and the pushing became almost unmanageable. When they finally got Kihyun to the car, they drove as fast as they could to the nearest hospital. and now here they were, almost two hours later.

As the days earlier events came back to him, Kihyun looked away in shame. How embarrassing. He had passed out, right in front of everyone. He probably gave everyone a heart attack. Neither of them talked for a moment.

"The others are out getting food," Wonho broke the silence, "Kihyun, why didn't you tell us? We could've helped." Wonho whispered wetly, searching Kihyun's face for some sort of answer. They had Kihyun promise he would tell them if it got bad again, yet here they were. Back at square one.

Kihyun looked down, trying desperately to hold in the tears threatening to escape his eyes. He knows he should've told them, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. They had enough on their plates already, why should he be allowed to bother them with his problems?

Kihyun took in a breath, trying to formulate an answer. His breath hitched and he let out a quiet sob, hair hanging over his eyes as he looked down.

Wonho got up and softly sat next to Kihyun on the bed, gathering Kihyun into his arms and hugging him gently.

"Shhh, It's okay, I'm here" He whispered, rubbing small circles on Kihyun's side.

"I tried to handle it on my own. I really didn't want to burden you guys. I swear I-"

Kihyun hiccuped on a sob, only making him cry harder. He tried to move out from Wonho's hold, but his grip around him was too tight. Kihyun lifted his head, pulling back from Wonho's now wet shirt, and looked up with sorrowful eyes.

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry..."

His apologies kept going on, filling the empty room, his body shaking from how hard he was crying at this point. Wonho swore he felt his heart breaking as he watched the sobbing boy. He willed himself not to cry, instead lifting Kihyun's face to look at him.

"Kihyun, oh god. Why should you apologize? You tried your best, okay? I love you so much. We love you so much."

Wonho hushed Kihyun, trying to stop the apologies streaming out of his mouth. He clutched Kihyun tighter to him, trying his best to reassure him.

"Don’t worry about me," Kihyun mumbled into his neck.

Wonho swallowed the lump in his throat as he held onto Kihyun, tears collecting in the corners of his own eyes.

"That’s impossible." He croaked out.

__________

Kihyun was released from the hospital that day. Apparently, his collapse was due to exhaustion layered on top of malnutrition, and guilt was eating away at his stomach.

He remembers all those times the members had brought him food, only for Kihyun to throw it into the trash the moment they had left.

"Okay, I promise," Kihyun spoke into the room filled with his members. They had spent a tense hour discussing his problem and he more than anything wanted to leave. They forced him to tell them everything he was feeling, all his concerns, and he was on the brink of tears by the time they were done.

They definitely had the right to ask, though. After everything that had happened, they were just worried about him. It was still hard to talk about regardless.

"Alright then, go get ready for bed," Hyunwoo sighed, standing up to stretch his legs.

Kihyun quickly took his leave, not wanting to be the center of attention any longer. He sped down the hall, unaware of Jooheon trailing right behind him.

He stepped into the bathroom and turned to close the door, only to be greeted by a face full of Jooheon.

"Jooheon? Are you alright?" Kihyun asked, stepping away from the door to allow more room for the two of them.

Jooheon closed the door behind him as he stepped in, tears tracks still prominent on his face from their earlier discussion.

Kihyun felt a ping of guilt in his chest.

"You know you can always come to me, right?" Jooheon asked, stepping away from the door.

Kihyun sighed, this was the thousandth time he'd heard this today, "Yes, I know." He answered as gently as possible, trying his best to hide his frustration from his dongsaeng.

"Really, Hyung. I know it can be scary to ask for help, but I want to be there for you." He took in a shaky breath, "We all would." He finished.

Kihyun stood there, not knowing how to respond. 

"It kills me to see you like this, Hyung" Jooheon added, searching Kihyun's eyes with a pleading gaze.

Kihyun looked away in shame, eyes refusing to meet Jooheon's.

"If not for yourself, do it for us." Jooheon took a step toward Kihyun, still trying to catch his gaze, "Please," He said pleadingly. There was a pregnant pause, neither saying anything for what seemed like forever.

"You should get to bed, Jooheon." Kihyun finally said, interrupting the silence. He turned away from Jooheon, clearly indicating that he was done with the conversation.

Jooheon stood there for a few seconds, shocked by the harsh rejection. Kihyun usually wasn't like this to any of them. 

Jooheon hesitated before turning to leave, looking away from Kihyun's small figure as his heart ached. 

"Don't forget what I said, Hyung," Jooheon spoke, glancing over his shoulder at Kihyun one last time, before finally closing the bathroom door behind him as he left . 

Kihyun looked to where Jooheon stood only seconds ago, tears gathering in his eyes. He listened to Jooheon's retreating footsteps, his word's still ringing loudly in his ears.

He quietly sat down on the cold floor, leaning against the wall for the much-needed support. He squeezed his eyes shut as the tears finally overflowed from his eyes. Pressing his hands over his face, trying desperately to quiet his cries, he thought back to the events that led up to this moment.

Why can't I do anything right?

**Author's Note:**

> well that's it I guess. Kudos and comments are always appreciated! :D


End file.
